i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol