I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.