Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I realize Iâm struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasnât planning on living this long
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that arenât cargo?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
wife: youâre drunk
me: Iâm not the one whoâs all blurry Carol
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
The minute the pilot asked me for âa lilâ help?â spinning one of the planeâs front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue đ
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
âi was born in the wrong generationâ bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: đ¶ Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away đ¶
Optometrist: âYou need glasses.â
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmerâs market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan