I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”