An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*