Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Need tips on making something look like an accident.