A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
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If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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