Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”