I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
They got a point!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I’ve had worse
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Pringles
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.