Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.