This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.