A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
You Might Also Like
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I mean…but I did
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet