[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.