Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.