4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in