[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: