The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
can you read it!!??
maan!
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.