The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.