My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
You Might Also Like
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Teach your children to beatbox
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.