sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me