Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
You Might Also Like
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.