Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
me irl
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!