So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
john wicks are toilet candles
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*