I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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Wednesday
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?