You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
A woman drives into a bar.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
But wait…
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Going to church you guys need anything
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?