My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?