Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I’m calling the cops.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.