By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school