Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”