Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters