Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.