Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.