My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
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wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Dolls on drugs
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth