I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Wise advice
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’d rather fork than spoon.