…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You Might Also Like
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.