Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Girl, same.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea