Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Extremely relatable.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware