My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.