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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.