Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.