“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.