Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
my nickname in college
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”