Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
You Might Also Like
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Hot Hot Hot
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Did my cat write this
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder