Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
This meal prepping shit easy
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.