“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase