Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Body by Oreos
peep davidson
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
When I laugh on my period
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People