Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Sounds like a bargain
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.