Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
We’ve all been there…
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.