In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Effort made
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.