No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s